things on my head at 1am in the morning

its ramadhan already, and i already decide to not open my blog and fb account along this month,because its kind a busy month. But i cant sleep tonight so i decide to write. Two days before Ramadhan started,i have chance to talk with 'the man'. The conclution from the conversation is, i like him more! I like to hear him,i like the way he speak, i like the way he laught. And the most important thing is i like things that come out from his mouth. Ah,such a good person. The question is,am i good enough? Another good thing that happened is he gave me Islamic books. Sweet,right? Im so happy! But im afraid i missunderstand about this. So,i really need to control my head,to not expect anything.

i cant sleep tonight so i decide to write.

i feel good

i have special feeling for a man that seem not having same feeling with me. Frans,already close to a man,but the relationship seem didnt work well. So,we kind of in same situation. On our conversation,frans asked me,'what will you do next? Forgeting him and search for somebody else or just waiting for him?'. That question makes me think. Well,ill not try to forget him. Why should i? First,its not easy to forget a person that you really like. Second,i feel happy with this crush feeling,eventough he not feel the same way. And i dont care if people think that im patethic. So,ill not try to forget him,but ill not wait for him too. Waiting is another word for expecting. And i dont want to have any expectation. Ill be dissapoint if i expect something and not become true. So,the answer of frans question is,'nothing'. Ill do nothing. I just enjoy this situation. And insya Allah i accept everything that will happen next. Maybe ill meet somebody else,maybe he'll answer my feeling for him,maybe he'll be stuck on my head for a long time, or whatever. I dont know. But today,i just enjoy my feeling for him :D

hiks!

i just went shopping with yeni. Well,we talk about the man that i wrote on previous post. Yeni asked me,'how my relationship with him'. I answer it with,'nothing, i think he not interest with me. No message from him anymore.' yeni:such a weird person,first he not interest with u,than he seem interest,and now not interest again. Me: yeah,i thinked i got positive signal from him,but now nothing. Yeni: maybe he kind of person wich woman should be more active. Me:well,i think if a man really interest with a woman,he'll do something,right? Yeni:yeah,i think you better forget him. And now i realise that maybe yeni is right,maybe this guy not interest with me. Argh! So im misunderstood his kindness. Now i have to learn to accept the fact that he not interest with me. :(

Hey boy,did you know?

I have pay attention for a man in my office for awhile. But i have chance to talk with him just lately. From the conversation, i become attracted to him. We talk for two or three times, than one day he sent me a message. He wrote nice word,and it said that he'll not touch woman heart before the woman 'halal' for him. After read the message, im not just more attracted to him, but i also honor him. He has a good princip, that based on ISlam's rule. I think he such a good man,and maybe im not good enough for him. I never met a man who have princip like him. I feel save, but also confused. what should i do? I want to know more about him, and having conversation with him. But i dont know how. Should i just wait for chance? Well,i hope someday he'll call me. But im not brave to hoping to much.well, let it be feby.

Suprise me

As i wait my next flight, i decide to write. Frans told me that jamsostek open recruitment. So i take a look at the website to find out what i need to prepare. Than i see the statement told,'agree to not marry on contract period'. Than an idea come up to my head, 'what if i want to get marry?'. This idea kind of shocking me,because i never think i want to get marry before or at least i never think marry will be one of my 'thing' to not apply for a job. Yes i have crush with a man on my office. But we arent even a close friend. I only can say 'hi' or 'goodbye'. So, why i should think about this 'not allow to marry' thing?

Again,life is real and thats "ok"

As i being 22,i got a conclution that i still life in delution. I have many concept about person in my life and i believe that my concept is true. But how do i know that its true? Below are some of my delution:
1.i guess my old friend hate me. The truth: i dont know. Maybe she just feel awkward to meet me again
2.i guess my ex still care with me. The truth : i dont know. He never call me
3.i guess some of my friend is conceited,or annoy.the truth: i dont know. Maybe they have bad day.
And many more. But this example really show me that i really2 need to stop guessing. It hurt myself. Because of my bad guessing to another, i did stupid thing to some people. Because of my exagerate good guessing, i feel happy for unreal thing,and because of that i also did a stupid thing. Maybe i guess to defense myself from being hurted. But my guess is hurt more. And its stupid to act based on delution. Life is just happens. And ill react to thing that really happen to my life. Not because of my guessing.

Smile when somebody hurt you

Yesterday i find out that women in my office jelous about my salary. For them,my salary to high for beinner. Yes im agree its a good salary for beginner, but not higher than them. I know theres issue that our percentage of incentive will change. And i know that my salary will bigger. And they cant accept it becuse they think they already work for many years(3,6,and 10 years) and me who just work for less than 1 year got that big salary. Laugh out loud! Well,its about lucky madam. But i dont think its unfair at all. My work load is much as old accountant,so why i should got lower salary? Well,i got moral of the story. If you work only for money,than god will show you that life isnt always about money. And even you got much money,you never feel grateful. They never have piece on their mind. And its punisment for those who keep jelous for what others got. Thats why they keep in nissan for long years,and still stuck on their position. Because like other jelous person,god never let them to be a big person.
On my side,i just dont care with them. They can keep jelous,said bad thing about me,or even do bad thing to me,and ill keep quiet. I still nice to them,because i dont want to be same with them. Im a muslim,and ill do what muslim should do. Forgiving.

Keep talking about me,u just make me more famous

Yesterday mr.hab told me and frans that many emPloyee comPlaint about us. That we were to noise when we together,that we were act like we were still on college. I dont understand what is exactly we have done,until they can take conclution like that. I asked tO mr hab who was complaint about us. I guess it must be mikes. Mr hab said everybody complain: mikes,yeni,lia,yuni.ok,i agree that we were noisy,but i think that old women are noisy too. Everyday mikes gossip by phone,in a loud voice and everyday yeni yelling. And that even louder than us. I said to mr hab,that he should talk to them about their behaviour too. Mr hab answer that i and frans are new in the office,and we should remember that mikes and yeni are adjutant of our director. Even head Office can kick out if the director unhappy. Such a coward! So,mr hab just follow to the strongest position,however unfair it sound. He doesnt has any Princip and always want to safe. I know he doesnt has any bad intention to us but i cant agree with him. If he think like that,so that old women can do whatever they want. Oh come on,director isnt god,right? Ok,im agree as long as they complain realistic. But if not,ill ignore it. So what if i kick out of the office. I dont have any kid to feed anyway. Well,me and frans make deal that we'll not talk loudly anything beside job thing on office hour. We agree to change about that,but i believe there will be another complaint about us. Its not our behaviour they complain about. That old ladies want us to be bent down to them,to follow whatever they said. Hah! Not in the milliOn years! So i can take conclution from this conversation,that i cant belive all women in the office. I decide to take distance from them. Ill only talk about job. Remember,sOmebody who gossip with you,will be gossip about you. Dont tell anything,dont hear anything

Face my fear part 1 (someday there will be part2)

Today when u woke up in the morning, i have one decision on my head. I will bike, even if it kills me. My brother in law bought a new tall bycicle. Are every bycicle tall nowadays? At first i trIed to ride it,i didnt know how to put my butt on the seat, my foot cant stand in the ground, and the seat eat my pussy(yes,it hurt). But i promise myself that i will never give up to my fear. So today, i push myself to ride it. After i know the trick to climb on and to stop that bycicle, i feel liberate. My fear makes me think that ill fall and my pussy will hurt, but im not(of course, there ergonomic sign in the seat). I feel so good after fight my stupid thingking and now i can bike around my neighbourhood. I know its sound silly, but i already fight my fear. Next, i want to try bungee jumping at macau.

1st coffe of the year

Its my 1st coffe of the year. As always,i'll be think when i enjoy my coffe. So,a question come up:"should i change myself because the year change?".i guess something new is always excite us. I still on my way to control my mind,so i dont want to overwhelming myself with goal. So i decide to write on lesson than i got on 2011:
1.dont let yourself lost in imagination and expectation.
If we let ourself,than we'll be hurt. Nothing on this abstract world you can control, beside your own mind.
2.always and always think before doing something.
I can lay on my bed whole day on holiday, but i should push myself to do important thing. Or i'll loose my chance. Think about future result,before doing something.
3.friendship takes time
I know frans since we were on college(4 years),but just lately i can say she's my closest friend.
4. Never ever join to bad gossip
I hate when somebody gossip about me so i try to keep my mouth close
5. Do everything mindfully and focusly
I know now that if i enjoy with my work,than i dont have to work at all.
6.try to accept everyone as the way they are
Sometimes. Somebody annoy me,but i know i annoy somebodyelse too. Nobodys perfect after all