2012 reaolution

Sometime i ask myself,why we should pray 5times a day. Because pray is thing we must done as a muslim,and if we not,we'll got sin. I think its not the righ purpose to pray. Because if it the only reason for pray,than we'll pray without willingness. If we only think the sin, than god just become the object on our pray. I want to pray because i miss Allah,because i need Allah. But i'm not. I still learning to put this idea on my mind. Im afraid i forget the purpose of my life. i dont want to pray just because its the thing that muslim must be done. What should i do to make myself truly faithful? Could i just do a good thing,without thingking about revenge from my god? Maybe i should give time everyday to think with myself. To remind myself. Silence time to think. Thats why sufi have ritual to isolate themself from noise outside. To meet themself,to think. I think i can try to do that. I dont want to pray with wrong purpose anymore. I dont want to be a muslim,just because my parent are muslim. Its my 2012 resolution: to realise and feel Allah,which closer to me than my own pulse

Behind healty body there a strong mind

Somedays ago i got fever. Sick people have weak mind. When i'm on my bed i think,how good it would be if darbi is here. I remember when i got chickenpox last year and he push me to drink awfull thing made from coconut plus egg,because he care. And i think that sweet. Laid on his shoulder,and feel loved. To be honest,i never miss him,since we broke up. So,i make conclution im not miss him,im only miss his attention. So,everybody need to be loved,right? But i dont want to be in relationship just because a man love me. I should love him back. So,yesterday i push myself to stand up,and buy medicine by myself. Today,i feel healtier and darbi just dissapear from my mind.

I dont need somebody to being nice with me, to being nice with somebody

Lately,i decide to try to forget my crush feeling to a man. But an idea suddenly come to my head. I think,he shouldnt love me back. If i decide to toss all of my expectation,i shouldnt expect him to love me back. I shouldnt expect him to being nice with me. Its ok, if i the only one who fall in love. Theres nothing wrong with fall in love. I think i shouldnt try to forget him anymore. I just have to control my imagination and expectation. I allow myself to fall in love, but not to do stupid thing because of love. I hope nothing from him, and will not dissapoint when he act cold to me. Because i dont have any expectation that he should love me back or being nice.

should i?

People are always try to reach something. to become a better person. including myself. i want to be more. it feels like what i have right now is only waiting phase for better future next. it looks like life is include of some waiting phase to be better. but we never better. its an human nature to never feel enough with things that they have. or it just an habbit? should i try to be better? is it wrong always try to be better? if i keep trying to be better,when i feel enough with myself? or could i try to be better and feel enough with myself on the same time? but, if we feel so adequate with ourself our life will only stuck without progress,right? seriously, SHOULD WE ALWAYS TRY TO ACHIEVE SOMETHING? I guess i just do. and let go all of the result. just do without any expectation. ill do my best, but i shouldnt have any expectation what i become next. would i becoming better or not,achieve something or not,it doesnt matter.from now, i try to toss all of my expectation. like a zen statement : "work itself,is a gift. just do it,and forget the result."

Not ready yet

Things that i realise about my ex is they never fall in love with me. I never have short relationship. Its always 1 until 2 years. But they not in love with me,they in love to be in relationship. And i just the object in that relationship. They just cant stand to be alone. They need approval that they are loved. And,i hate the truth that i same with them. I like being with them because i like to get attention. To have somebody who care with me. Not because i like to be with him. It means im in relationship to get approval. To fullfill myself needy. I think im not ready for relationship right now. Until i love somebody for the way he is,not for what he did to me. Not for his attention. Not just because he being nice. I want to be with somebody who i feel comfortable,for imperfect in himself. I dont want to be in relationship jusr because human need a couple. So,as long as im not contentment with myself,im not gonna get into a relationship. Im not gonna put myself on fake love anymore

lets dream a little bit more

So i fall in love with a man who already in serious relationship. i think maybe he likes me too. now i want to dream further. if he likes me as i like him, what would happen? maybe we'll have hidden relationship. what will i get? a man who can't stick on his commitment. maybe at the beginning i'll be happy. but it comes by hurting another woman feeling. maybe what ifeel for him is only lust,but my mind exagerrate
it by use those 'love' word. i realise that my dream already losting me far enough. because i never think seriously about his spouse until now. if somebody flirt with my boyfriend,what will i feel? i'll think that woman so egoist. So,i should do anything to forget this man. i should tought to myself. come on, i'm to young to stuck with somebody else man.

Lets talk about love

So i fall in love with somebody. But i guess we just not mean to be together. I think maybe he care with me. But yesterday i realise that is not in romantic way,like i always imagine. Of course he isnt,because he already on relationship, since i know him. But i let my dream losting me. Why women are silly when they fall in love? I can do nothing about it. Yeah, he kind of perfect person in my mind,but the truth,i dont know much about him. Yes,we have some fun conversation. And thats enough.i should stop hurting myself,by thingking that i need more. Be grateful for this non-romantic relationship with him. Because its the only thing that i need.

You not lamp anyway

Yesterday i met my friends. She said that she has some conversation with my ex. She dont wanna told me what they talked about. But with my ex, im sure is not good one. Well, i shouldnt care what other people think about me. I dont have any obligation to prove that im good or whatever. So what, if she think that im mean, not loyal, cheap sort or whatever my ex told her. Thats not harm me at all. So i dont try to prove anything. People can say many bad thing anout me. So what? Even if somebody think that im useless, they dont have any power to down me as long as im not allow them. That why god give us brain. To make you different from lamp, which easy to turning on and off. I dont say anything to my friend. I let her think whatever she want about me. I know that you dont need to prove anything because if you are right your action will speak louder than word. Beside that it unecessary and exhausting.